We Are Not Potheads

Dear Gazette Readers:
We are tired of the scurrulous reports about our cherished newspaper by the shameless editorial staff of our competitors, The Scranton Herald.
We at the Gazette are not "potheads."
While Henry J. Preston never stated what inspired the name to the paper he started in 1798, we're certain it wasn't for the "morning star" strain of Cannabis sativa.
Anyone who says or prints otherwise is talking out their ass.
We have never advocated or petitioned for the legalization of marijuana, despite the Herald's
"reporting."
We were in no way affiliated with that marijuana field the state troopers found in York county, regardless of what the Herald's "confidential sources" tell them.
The Gazette was never subject to a police-raid, nor is there a meth lab in our basement.
Gazette delivery vans have never been seized in an international heroin-smuggling sting.
This is all ridiculous.
To prove the Gazette does not condone drug use, we've run an expensive round of drug tests for our staff.
We've had to replace our photographers, but we can now assure the readers that the Gazette is 100% drug-free.
So Gazette readers should be confident that they're getting the best reporting possible on Scranton and surrounding areas.
Thank you for your time.